Category: Daily Living
I have mooved almost a year ago from my home state OK to NC. My family that I have gotten to know for the first time does things that some and many have doene to me threw out my life. I am shure many of you have had this same kind of thing happen to you as well! Since in all i had never been around these new people, they didn't know how to react to my blindness. At first they did the usual thing that most people do and acted wierd tord me and about me. Soon however they learned to give me my space and let me walk for myself. They, I do say did grate with learning how to interact with a blind person. They really didn't do a lot of stupid stuff soem people do! But as time whent on, things came up. I mooved in to an apartment with my now fiance, and we were good. Then he decided to become a USMC. When my family found out their wonderful attitudes changed grately. From letting me do as I wished and only coming when I needed them, they started to do things that soon, verry soon got on my nerves. It started with shopping for food. They were always trying to pick out the most cheepest crap, Yes I mean crap. I call it crap because what they picked out wasn't always delishes. I did however not care to much to buy the most exspensive thing on the shelf, although I also didn't care to buy the most discusting thing as well. I, not knowing what brands I liked or didn't like was not able to stop it on the first try. The next few times I try to say something but then they over spoke me and spoke with eachother as if I wann't there! I got frestrated. Then there was an insedent at my apartment wear a man tryed to brake in to some of the apartments. When my family found out they started to make me lock all locks on my door when they left before they would leave. They would step out of the door then say loudly, "I am not leaveing till I hear the locke". I stopped asking them to come and help me for a few reasons. 1, I didn't need them as much, 2 my fiance was arround a bit more to help instead. Then one day I got sick and they started it up again. Calling me all the time, wanting to come over to check on me, acting as if I didn't know how to take care of my own self. There was a day when one of them made the comment "If I go and look in your cabnets, i will find food in there won't I?" First off I am not going to let mysllf starve. Second off I do not need them to do any step by step check up on me and my stuff! I know that they just care and want to help, but they go to far most of the time. HOW DO I GET THEM TO STOP GOING SO FAR? Once I tryed to say something and they tryed to pull a gilt trip on me. Saying to me, "Well all I am trying to do is help you? Since in all I am not aloud to do so then I won't"! How am I supose to let them know that they are going to far with out a seen? How do I step up for myself and not let them treat me as if I am helpless! I am verry independet and do not like people over helping me.
Has this happened to you?
I'd really suggest that you speak to your family about this. Try and phrase it in such a way that lets them know that you do appreciate their thoughtfulness, and you do appreciate their caring and concern, but that you find it insulting and smuthering when they over-step certain boundaries. Boundries are important. For instance, do they just show up unannounced? if so, you might want to tell them that they need to arrange a time to see you. It seems as though their hearts are in the right place, but this is something that's important to you and the more you stand up for yourself, the more they will realize that this isn't something you'll just eventually "quiet down" about. Tell them that if you need their help, you will most certainly ask them, but otherwise, you are responsible and capable. These discussions often turn into scenes, but they don't have to.
I try to keep them from seens, but they always turn in to, We try to do so much for you and all you want to do is tell us we are doing wrong! I try to say it the best way I can. I have only tryed it once with thelady adn she started to cry and yell at me when i just siad pritty much,
"Thanks so much for helping me. I aprishate it, would it be ok if I did this more for myself?"
kinda got on the subject the the man but it didn't go as bad and when I sinced it was going to go wrong, witch was when he started to get devinceve then I dropped it. I talked to my sister a bit but she doesn't listen at all. I won't have to worry about it for long any how, but I was mainly wondering what you all have to go threw that is kinda like this? Do you have any ishues like mine? I was just wondering, not really looking for a fixer for mine. Like I said, I won't have to dil with it for much longer, I am mooving across state soon.
We tend to do things which we are accustomed to doing. Your family, like many other families, is probably just being overly helpful because they have always been this way. You might be noticing it now because you are on your own, and no longer rely on them as much, or now, you have the option not to rely on them as much.
So, how do you stop them from continuing this pattern without an incident? Personally, I have found that no matter how gracious someone is when approaching something like this, there will always be a bit of hurt, so expect it. This does not mean that there needs to be a shouting match.
The best advice which comes to mind is to approach the person, or people at a time when you are not upset, and they are not upset.
Starting this conversation after your family has come to visit, uninvited, carrying a couple of grocery bags is absolutely bad timing, even though it feels like the right time.
It is better to give them a call one day, ask if they have some time to talk, as you would like to speak to them about something, and then calmly explain the situation. No guilt trips, no blaming, just talking. They will be a bit hurt, but hopefully they will get over it and understand why you feel that way.
Some family members might be more understanding then others, and it’s very possible that even though you do everything calmly, and express yourself thoroughly, some people will not respond and will continue to do as they have been doing.
Don’t give up, and work with those people who do listen to you. These are the people who will be understanding and respectful.
You will not be able to change the opinions of those people who will not listen to you with a shouting match. It's hard to communicate how we feel when we are upset, and usually people have a difficult time understanding us when we are upset.
It’s better to set some boundaries now, and then it is to always regret your family’s visits.
What I have done in similar situations has been to think about what the issue is, sometimes it’s not just as simple as you help too much, and it might really be something like, my family does not respect me as a capable adult. Figure out ways in which you can express how you feel, without putting blame on someone, for example, instead of saying, “mom, I don’t like it when you show up uninvited,” you can say, “
Mom, I like it when you call before coming over.”
I am under age, but no one has been able to do that kind of stuff, sure they've tried and all has failed. I use this rule. You will either be my cfriend and coexist with me and not try to live for me and If you do, you will not be my friend. I stand up for my rights. If that first occurance ever happens or something like I tell them bluntly. Something like that has happened. This women thinks it's great to walk me everywhere and when I am near a wall or some crack or thing I can trip on makes a big deal. I let it go on for three times I see her, I hope that'd would get better. Well, it didn't. I pulled her aside, and straight up told her. "Anne, look, I am not insufficient or incapable, you can stop this attitude right now. I do not and will not apreciate it. I do not take to people protecting me like that. I am fine, I can do things and deal with the dangers for myself. Please treat like me as an equal and only as that. I do not deserve this." Yes, it hurt her, but it got her off me. She kept doing it, and we didn't talk. My dad would take over to their house, but I haven't been there for a while. I simply have cut all ties. I lose a lot of people, but I don't need people like that, the ones who walk all over me like I am not a capable human. I tell that same thing to certain people and it just fixes things and I do tend to let ties stay.